You scratch my back...
So, here's how I think a loving and healthy relationship should work:
One person does something very nice to the other that really satisfies a need they have. This, obviously, builds the relationship. It strengthens the bond. It builds intimacy and closeness. It is also a rather nice thing to do.
So, the other person, because the relationship is in such a good place and love is being felt, and because of the warm feelings they have towards the other, AND because they feel appreciative of the gesture, does something nice back meeting the first person's needs in a nice way.
This causes that first person to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The relationship is built up even more. It gets stronger. They feel closer. This one also feels appreciation and love and so does something back.
And it builds. A feedback loop. A viscious circle, but heading in a positive direction.
Doesn't that sound nice?
Yeah, not to my wife. She says that, if this was the case, the only reason you'd be doing something nice for the other was because you got what you wanted and want to get something else out of it. That, if you ever do something for the other with appreciation and "thank you for loving me and meeting my needs" as even PART of the reason why, then it's not "real." Not only should you do things for the other even if they aren't doing them for you, but even if they ARE doing for you that shouldn't ever be part of the reason why you are doing for them.
I try to explain that the things we are talking about -- meeting each other's emotional needs -- are deeply emotional things and they can't help but change the relationship, make things better and closer, and therefore spark even more closeness. Plus, in my mind, love is gracious and would never take the other person's gestures for granted, but would always want to repay such things. She thinks that anything like this just cheapens it all.
What am I missing here?
One person does something very nice to the other that really satisfies a need they have. This, obviously, builds the relationship. It strengthens the bond. It builds intimacy and closeness. It is also a rather nice thing to do.
So, the other person, because the relationship is in such a good place and love is being felt, and because of the warm feelings they have towards the other, AND because they feel appreciative of the gesture, does something nice back meeting the first person's needs in a nice way.
This causes that first person to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. The relationship is built up even more. It gets stronger. They feel closer. This one also feels appreciation and love and so does something back.
And it builds. A feedback loop. A viscious circle, but heading in a positive direction.
Doesn't that sound nice?
Yeah, not to my wife. She says that, if this was the case, the only reason you'd be doing something nice for the other was because you got what you wanted and want to get something else out of it. That, if you ever do something for the other with appreciation and "thank you for loving me and meeting my needs" as even PART of the reason why, then it's not "real." Not only should you do things for the other even if they aren't doing them for you, but even if they ARE doing for you that shouldn't ever be part of the reason why you are doing for them.
I try to explain that the things we are talking about -- meeting each other's emotional needs -- are deeply emotional things and they can't help but change the relationship, make things better and closer, and therefore spark even more closeness. Plus, in my mind, love is gracious and would never take the other person's gestures for granted, but would always want to repay such things. She thinks that anything like this just cheapens it all.
What am I missing here?
posted by Christian Husband at 7:45 AM
6 Comments:
I really can't see that you're missing anything, XH (altho I REALLY don't want to get caught in the middle of an argument between you and your wife).
The kind of 'positive feedback loop' that you describe is very much a feature of my marriage to Molly, and one of the reasons that our marriage has blossomed so thoroughly in recent years.
I've been sort of hammering gratitude in recent days, and there are very few things that we've found that bring joy to our lives so reliably as gratitude. Honestly, I can't imagine what the problem would be with expressing gratitude.
I suppose you don't want it to roll over into a 'transactional' kind of thing, where it comes to seem like I'm just 'paying' you for 'services rendered'. I can understand how she would object to that.
So, maybe it comes back to the 'unconditional' love we were talking about a while back. "Give, expecting nothing in return"; then, when she gives back to you, you can receive it as freely given.
I just think that, between the two of you, you spend an awful lot of time analyzing each other's motives, when really, you'd be way ahead to just take things at face value and be grateful.
For what it's worth. . .
You're not missing anything. Some may abhor a quid pro quo, but everything works that way. In a perfect world, we would only do things for only the right reason. Humans aren't built that way. That's why Communism doesn't work. Capitalism works because everyone's selfish needs are met.
In an idealized view of marriage, doing things because we went to is the norm. For the rest of us, we want to show AND feel love. Personally, a life time of giving without receiving sounds unappealing. Call one selfish.
How many times here you been denied sex because you made her mad? If she "really loved you," she would set aside those emotions to take care of you. He attitude can cut both ways.
Now Des, let's be precise. It is ME that overanalyzes everything. SHE over-reacts and jumps to conclusions.
My husband & I dicussed this the other night and both agreed on something.
If you wanted more love and affection (or sex, or oral sex, etc) from your spouse, how would you think you would get that? We both said by being more loving and generous to the other and inspiring a loving and generous atmosphere. Whether or not that actually WORKS is not the issue.
If you wanted to selflessly give of yourself to make your spouse or loved one feel more loved and appreciated, how would you do that? By being more loving and generous to the other and creating a loving and generous atmosphere.
Both "agendas" have the same plan. Does it matter what your agenda is if the process is the same?
I like giving and giving and being 'selfless' (harhar) and making my partner feel good because there are only two outcomes to that: 1) I feel great because I made him feel great and 2) I'm much more likely to get what I ask for in the future because I deserve it!
So it's like a win-win-win.
I thought being grateful to your spouse and doing things they liked simply because they like them was a huge part of a loving relationship??
What your wife said, XH, sounds like another 'well, I have to be in the mood' deals.
As a woman, I recognize I cannot make the state of my relationship dependant on my moods!
I don't think you're missing anything here except maybe an understanding and reasonable wife.
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